Barrelhouse Reviews: How to Survive a Human Attack, by K. E. Flann

Review by Melissa Reddish

Running Press (Hachette) / September 2021 / 256 pages

For anyone who grew up with classic monster movies or enjoys parodies of the same, K. E. Flann’s How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Mummies, Cyborgs, Ghosts, Nuclear Mutants, and Other Movie Monsters is an utter delight.  As the title suggests, the book is written as a how-to guide for classic movie monsters, from zombies and vampires to monstrous kaiju and swarms of man-eating insects--all of whom are trying to avoid being decapitated or staked through the heart by a pesky human.  Descriptive chapter titles signal each monster’s primary human-avoidance technique, such as “Self-Training 101 for Werewolves: Sit, Don’t Speak, Stay Alive!” or “What’s Happening to My Body?: Radioactive Mutants and the Safety of the Nuclear Family.”  Each chapter is further broken down into short sections with subtitles like “The Changes Ahead,” “Celebrate the Unique You,” and “Some People Have Noticed a Bad Smell, What to Do.” 

The humor in these chapters is a successful mix of Shaun of the Dead-level allusions to classic movie monsters, Onion-level parody (in this case, of the self-help genre), and Colbert Report-level satire. All three of these are often woven together in each section, like the first section, “Decode Angry Feelings Using C++: A Workbook for Androids and Cyborgs.”  In this section, “you” are “a cybernetic organism with a body composed of organic elements, as well as computer implants or electromechanical parts.”  However, the guide goes on to assure you that “you also have feelings.”  These feelings are totally normal for someone programmed to appear human and you “may experience the whole gamut—feeling everything from focused to slightly annoyed and back again! [...] When you are mired in a trough of mild irritation, you might find yourself thinking nonstop about what’s making you feel that way, whether it’s your premature aging or the difficulty in locating Sarah Connor.”  Later on, the guide contrasts your ability to manage these emotional outbursts to those of humans, who lack the fortitude to practice self-regulation. “[T]hey can’t be bothered to practice much of anything, not even the trumpet they pleaded to receive on a recent birthday.” 

While 247 pages of this sounds like it might get tiresome or gimmicky, How to Survive a Human Attack remains clever and engaging throughout.  Each chapter focuses on a different movie monster and employs different guidebook parody language, but also keeping things moving are short sections in each chapter, a good balance between the different types of humor, and charming illustrations throughout.  Many of these illustrations are small black and white representations of details within the text, but some are larger.  In “Swamp Monster Makeovers: Fabulous Species-Defying Transformations to Win Friends and Confuse People,” there are six full-page illustrations of swamp monsters in their new makeover identities, from The Gamer and The Stockbrocker to The Brooklyner and The LARPer.    

Although most of the chapters maintain a tight focus on their particular how-to, my favorite, “Home Safety for Mummies: Welcome to the Third Eye Tomb Security System,” weaves in a subtle narrative thread.  In this chapter, the Third Eye Tomb Security System is responsible for warning the resting mummy whenever any graverobbers (aka archaeologists) attempt to break into the tomb.  When the system is turned on, you (the mummy) are transported to a place beyond time.  Here, the language turns beautiful.  Within this space, “the relentlessness of access to all planes of existence, physical and spiritual, will resemble spring winds that swirl your dreams.”  You land “shoulder to shoulder beside your father, the Pharoah before you, gazing at the gold ripples of the barley field in an eternal dawn.”  When you are awakened by the Third Eye Tomb Security System, you see a woman who “looks exactly like your late wife Iset.”  This leads to you turning off the system, kidnapping the woman with “the cascade of black hair” and “a name badge that says Susan” and deciding whether or not it is advisable to kill and then resurrect this slightly alien Iset. 

Tiger King may have been the ideal distraction for the early months of the pandemic, but in month 31 of this unceasing nightmare, How to Survive a Human Attack is perfect.  Certainly, we could all use some strategies to avoid a portion of the human population actively trying to murder us. 

Melissa Reddish’s stories have appeared in Gargoyle, Raleigh Review, and Grist, among others.  She has a collection of stories entitled My Father is an Angry Storm Cloud (Tailwinds Press, 2016) and a novella entitled Girl & Flame (Conium Books, 2017). She has received residencies at Soaring Gardens and the Rensing Center.