Beauty Pageant of Earth Orientation Packet, by Sage Tyrtle
Dear Newborn Baby Girl #3,979,258,451:
Congratulations! You are officially registered for the Beauty Pageant of Earth!
This is an exciting time for you, as you learn how to breathe air and intake nutrients, and guess what? You’ve also already been ranked. *\(^o^)/* Only one billion girls are ranked above you, and you’re only a few minutes old! We foresee great things ahead.
All brand new contestants have questions, so we’ve put together this handy-dandy FAQ. If you still have questions after reading it, get in touch!
QUESTION: Oh my gosh, I have so many questions! Um — where do I get judged?
ANSWER: One of the best parts of the Beauty Pageant of Earth is that you don’t have to get in your ratty old car and drive to us — we come to you! Even when you’re alone in your windowless bathroom with the door closed! And the judges are everybody you have ever or will ever meet. We do all the yucky technical stuff on our end to update your ranking every single second of the day and night.
QUESTION: That’s convenient! So how are the ranks decided?
ANSWER: Great question. The answer is, biology! If your Mommy and Daddy have symmetrical features, odds are you will too. If your Mommy and Daddy have what we in the biz call “baby” features — big eyes, small nose, and a small chin — odds are you will, and wow does that just zoom you up the ranking ladder. (Is it weird that looking like a baby makes your ranking higher? Let’s not think about it!) Are your Mommy and Daddy tall? You probably will be too. (But not too tall. Or too short. That sinks your ranking. And the fun part is, it varies by country! Too tall in Thailand is too short in the Netherlands! Fingers crossed you were born in the right place!)
QUESTION: I am learning a lot. I feel kind of weird asking, but how do I raise my rank?
ANSWER: Get better parents! (*^o^*) No, really, there’s tons of awesome stuff you can do to raise your rank. Plastic surgery is a very common choice. Make yourself look younger with cheek implants! Make yourself look younger with higher breasts! Make yourself look younger by having your skin cut off of your face and pulled back and then sewed on again! (Is it weird that looking like a teenager makes your ranking higher? Let’s not think about it!) And there are competitions happening all the time that you are also automatically registered for already. Yay!
We are particularly proud of our Swimsuit Competition. Girl’s bodies have a big range of weight that’s healthy. You can look it up online. So to get a higher rank in the Swimsuit Competition, contestants should figure out their healthy range, then subtract lots and lots of pounds. Because girls, healthy is not the same as high ranking. Basically, if contestants were naked with a cardboard box over their head, would they still shine? That’s the look to go for!
QUESTION: Who’s at the top of the Swimsuit Competition?
ANSWER: Open any high-end magazine and look at the girls inside. Do they have character on their face? No! Do they have freckles or moles? No! Are they a healthy weight? No! Are they in comfortable shoes? No! Do they have skin pores? No! Can you live without skin pores? No! You will die! (*^o^*) But anyway, those are the girls who are at the top of the Swimsuit Competition.
QUESTION: I’m sure there aren’t, but just in case... Are there any, you know, disadvantages to being part of the Beauty Pageant of Earth?
ANSWER: We super hate to say it (o_O) but kiiiiiiind of. The thing is, men are sort of angry about girls who are ranked in the top half. Because they are so beautiful! And the men are mad that they are not having sex with those girls. But... okay, it’s sort of true that men are also angry about the girls ranked in the bottom half, because looking at them is icky and honestly? We get why they’re so mad! (Our totally obnoxious lawyers say we have to also tell you that, like, 92% of girls of all ages and ranks suffer from feeling shame, self-hate, body dysmorphia, etc. etc. blah blah blah, anyway, it’s FINE. Let’s not think about it!)
QUESTION: I know some beauty pageant contestants have been thrown out — could that horrible fate happen to me?
ANSWER: Do not worry. (^_^) Unlike some other beauty pageants we are too classy to name, you cannot ever be removed from the Beauty Pageant of Earth. For any reason. I mean, you could eat a toddler alive on television and your rank would still count! You’re even safe in death. Think of Queen Cleopatra, she died over two thousand years ago and people are still talking about her rank.
QUESTION: I’m so sorry, this is probably the dumbest question anyone’s ever asked ever, but... what’s the point of having a high rank?
ANSWER: Having a high rank means men aren’t angry with you for being so gross to look at! (Okay, they’re angry with you, but in a different way.) Having a high rank means teachers and bosses are nicer to you (sometimes too nice, whoopsie) and you get better tables at restaurants and better deals on cars and better jobs and cuter romantic partners and people are more inclined to help you and for real if you and a low ranked girl were drowning and only one of you could be saved, even if the low ranked girl was a brilliant pediatric neurosurgeon? They’d save you. So, like, a lot of reasons.
Anyways! Newborn Baby Girl #3,979,258,451, welcome to the world! Welcome to the Beauty Pageant of Earth! We are super excited to have you, and we can’t wait to watch your rank rise as you grow for the next ninety years. (Don’t let it fall, okay?) Love ya!
The End
Sage Tyrtle's work is available or upcoming in New Delta Review, The Offing, and Apex among others. She reads for Hippocampus and Fractured Lit. Her words have been featured on NPR, CBC, and PBS. She runs a low cost online writing workshop collective.