Yeah I’m Pretty Much the Best at This By Bojack Horseman, by Bezalel Stern

My agent told me I would win a Grammy
if I wrote a spoken word poem, it would
be the easiest way to do it. You just write
pretty much anything and put in
line breaks and read it into a tape and
they give it to you. It’s like they’re
dumb or something.

Did I say tape? I meant iPod, or iWhatever,
It’s kind of ridiculous how Apple has
taken over the culture. Do we still care about
this? Am I still relevant in the age of Trump?

God, how did I make this about him? Nobody
wants to think about him. This is about me.

BoJack Horseman.

This is not so hard. After all. I was talking
to my therapist last night – I started seeing
a therapist – my agent said I could tell you
that. It makes me relatable, apparently. As
if I wasn’t relatable. But she has been

pretty on point in getting me gigs recently
and I’m not one to complain.

Does a Grammy come with a money prize?

I’ll have to Google it. It’s kind of ridiculous
how Google has taken over the culture. Do
we still care about this? Is that still relevant?

In the age of terrorism and snowflakes?

I’m pretty sure I’m getting the Grammy
for this.

Bezalel Stern's work has been published or is forthcoming in McSweeney's, The Literary Review, MonkeyBicycle, Another Chicago Magazine, Wigleaf, SmokeLong Quarterly, Contrary Magazine, Revolution House, kill author, and other places. In 2014, he was an Emerging Writer Fellow at the Center for Fiction in New York.